Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Working 9 to 5

So I've discovered that working from home full time with an infant isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's really hard getting things accomplished.

1) because I'm sleep deprived and it takes a while for me to process my thoughts and complete sentences (as evidenced by my horrible grammar here).

2) as soon as I get going on something and really get into it - Jack inevitably needs to be fed, have his diaper changed, be moved to a different setting or just be held.

3) because I'm at home, I see the laundry piling up, the dust accumulating before my eyes, the dirty breakfast dishes staring at me in the kitchen sink, the kids toys scattered about the den (which is serving double duty as my office), and the cat hair in chunks across the carpet from Juna-the-black-long-haired-cat - and I feel like I should be getting all of that picked up, cleaned up, washed/folded/put away. Not to mention it drives my type-A personality crazy to try to work in an environment that is cluttered. (My desk at work is always - okay maybe not always - tidy and picked up and papers filed away.)

Then there is the inherent guilt - I'm working at home, and am truly working more than my required 40 hours (read: 12 hour days on weekends to get caught up when Deonne can watch Jack and I can have quiet time with my computer) - but I'm still at home. By myself - with Jack - but by myself - without the kids. I've shipped them off to pre-school and I'm home without them. I know they're having fun and learning and playing with their friends - but I'm their mom. Shouldn't I be the one they're learning from and playing with in their early childhood?

And the additional guilt that I'm not spending time with Jack. I know there's not a lot one can do with an infant - but as soon as I nurse him - I literally put him down in his bouncy seat to occupy himself, or down for a nap, or in his swing. With the other two kids I wasn't working so soon - so I spent time holding them, rocking them, singing to them, getting to know them.

Poor Jack - he's getting shafted. At such an early age.

So I feel guilty.

Thus is the age old dilemma of the working mom. I've grappled with this since Anna was born and she first went to daycare. The issue is just exacerbated because I'm spending so much time at home.....

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